#54

Real ass 911 calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

#53

baked muffins today!
muffins, cupcakes, whatever you call them la
chocolate
can't really eat them though
the batter was just divine!
yum yum yum
:D

#52

finally she ate!!!!!
the swelling went down quite a lot
actually its mostly all gone
except just around the piercing
which is pretty cool
cuz my tongue's movement is just limited
by the barbell now

and yes i'm eating
I'M EATING!
i made egg mayonnaise
i wanted to make soft boil eggs
but then they kinda got overdone
they weren't hardboiled
the yolks were still kinda soft
but still it wasn't liquid like i wanted it to be
so i didn't wanna waste
so i just smashed everything up with butter and mayonnaise
taste? who cares i can't tell the difference! LOL
and yes, it goes down alright
not as painful as before
yay but it takes forever la
half a bowl 2 mugs of ice cold water
more than half an hour
fuck the world
fuck the world
but still
few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days

#51

i was reading about tongue piercings
like the aftercare and all that
i came across the cutest article ever!

read it!

#50

i pierced my tongue!!
excitedness!

BUT!
big fat but
it totally sucks now
cuz i can't eat!
i pierced on friday
i haven't eaten anything solid till today
and today is monday
thats like 4 days

my parents don't even know i did it
i've been speaking like a retard
and haven't really been eating
i just said oh i've got a couple of ulcers in my throat
and under my tongue so its impossible to eat

yesterday was horrible
we went to this seafood restaurant for dinner in telok gong
i'm not supposed to be eating seafood
but i was like whatever i'll figure it out there
as usual, i hadn't planned all this
so dinner i was like i'm not hungry, i'll not have rice
so i put like tofu and vege on my plate
the only thing i could eat was tofu
cuz i practically just swallowed it
the vege was a bit difficult so i gave up
then people kept piling up squid and prawns and chicken on my plate
and thank god i was sitting next to jon so i just gave him everything
i couldn't even eat cake
chocolate mud cake
i am so fucking depressed
so bloody fucking depressed

thank god for milo
i'll be passed out on my bed, if not for milo
its like the only thing in my stomach

i tried porridge, not cool
the solids keep getting caught
then i have a real painful time trying to get it out

i keep telling myself its just for a few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days
few more days

this is so not working
oh did i mention, my tongue is so swollen
i keep biting into the sides of it
and it's not exactly helping with the pain

well on the plus side, my tongue hurts so bad
i epilated yesterday and it didn't hurt as bad
as it would normally
haa!

but yeah, getting your tongue pierced just so
you don't feel the pain
from the epilator just beats the cause

once again, i'm wishing for that fast forward button
not so much rewind, cuz i really wanted this
just not the pain
and fuck all of you who said the pain isn't that bad
this has got to be the most painful piercing i have ever gotten
i think its not just the pain
its the fact that i can't eat
I CAN'T EAT!
fuck!

#49

well, i turned 19.
whoopdefreakingdoo
lol, just another day
except i got tonnes of messages, wall posts, smses, calls
and then there was cake
also, i was terribly sick
throwing up the whole night

i cut my hair!
finally, after weeks of contemplation
i did it.
its not as bad as i thought it would be
i actually like it
the springs are back :)

made my own dinner today
lamb sauce, fried potato wedges and pita bread
because i felt like it

i've been looking at foodgawker all day
made me hungry
the whole day
but i didn't really eat anything
because i was too tired and sick
well, dinner time
xoxo

#48

omegle, talk to a random stranger.
i am LOVING this site

here's one of the BEST convo's i've had so far




Omegle
Talk to strangers!
2344 users online
Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: rawr
Stranger: RAWR
You: NO I WILL NOT BATHE YOUR WHALE!
Stranger: WTF
You: hahahahahahaha
Stranger: LETS TEACH THOSE FUCKERS A LESSON
You: LETS!
Stranger: YES
You: *gets a bottle of anal lube*
Stranger: And on our way we will find harry potter
Stranger: and we will teach him all about gang rape
You: *rubs hands together*
You: mwahahahahaha
Stranger: *poops a little*
Stranger: Yes!
Stranger: pst
Stranger: you hear that
You: what?
You: they're here?
You: OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You: RUN!!!
Stranger: FUCKING
Stranger: DRAGONSSSSSSSSSSSS
You: SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
You: QUICK! TAKE THIS!
You: *hands you a puppy*
Stranger: *throws it against a wall*
Stranger: Thanks!!
You: SCORE!
You: i think i'm in love
You: hahaha
Stranger: With this kind of attitude
Stranger: the world will be ours
You: we're half way there
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: next stop
Stranger: AFRICA
Stranger: we will build battle mechs
Stranger: and take it over
Stranger: Spears verse machine? Ha!
You: HAHA
Stranger: =]
Stranger: You will always be remembered, as Duncan
Stranger: the greates hero and friend
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


I shall now be called Duncan!

#47

I Want To Be Six Again

To Whom it May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality.

I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing.

I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.

I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again.

Author Unknown

#46

well yesterday i did something i should have done long ago
while it happened i actually felt a little better
come morning, i was feeling guilty
honest question: what do you do in a parasitic relationship?
p.s. i really don't wanna let go



----------------
Now playing: Jackson Browne & Marc Cohn - Crazy Love (acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

#45

went out with eugene, arunn, mervyn and theyson last night
it was fun
i had beer after such a long time
without throwing up at that
had carbonarra something and chocolate ice cream
with whip cream and cherry on top
they left the wafer out for some reason
oh yeah, it was piccadilly's
beers, i'm back baby :)